Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
