things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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