people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
