apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
