I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
