Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Hippo gnu deer
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
These tits shall not be calmed
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
