I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
