who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
