I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
