I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
