On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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