Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
