If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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