They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
