Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
