The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
