make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
