Just fell off a train. Bad.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
