He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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