Small penises have feelings too.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
