dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
