theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
