I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
