cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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