i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
