this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
