It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
