You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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