I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
