I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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