Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
