Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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