sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
