Tell her she can't have a vagina
it hurts more in the daytime
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
