I can text with my tongue
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
