I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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