hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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