It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
