I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
