i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
