i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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