You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I can text with my tongue
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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