Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
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What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
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I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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