My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
