He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
