this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
