Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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