half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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