I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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