i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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