Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
