Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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