Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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