I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
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She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
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You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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