Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
